Two-Tone Terrified

So, I've decided that blind dates are of the devil. Or maybe they are only of the devil when you are set up by someone who doesn’t know you at all. At least that's my experience.

I'm not the kind of girl who goes on blind dates. In fact, I'm not the kind of girl who goes on dates at all. It seems as if I am unlucky in love, and end up getting stalked by the weird and the strange. And yet I decided that a blind date would be a good idea.

Now here, I give my account as accurately as possible...the Blind-Date-Gone-Bad play by play (as requested by Ryan). And in my defense, the nine hours of hell was something I did not know how to get out of. I have learned my lesson...use the safe word. And to protect said blind date, I will refer to him as Satan...the father of nine hour blind dates and freakish theology.

12:00pm - I receive a call on my phone from him, asking where he could pick me up and stating that he will call back to let me know when he's coming...I decide to shower.

12:30pm - Satan's voice comes over the intercom...he didn't call back, and now he's in the building and I'm still sopping wet!!!! I start yelling obsenities from the bathroom, and Kyle starts laughing hysterically from the living room.

12:35pm - Lucifer enters the apartment, while I frantically try to make myself somewhat presentable...attempt failing. But as I come out to meet my 'date' I realise that there is no need to stress, for he is wearing two slightly different shades of blue and a pair of Birkenstocks. He hasn't really tried.

12:40pm - We leave the safety and comfort of Kyle's apartment and enter his basement hovel to pick up a blanket and the latest edition of Bible Trivia (really?), then head to the park. On the way he makes sure to get a GIANT Big Gulp with two straws so we can share (how romantic).

1:00pm - I chide him for arguing with everything I say. He promptly ignores that I've said anything at all.

1:30pm - He starts talking about salvation and eternal judgment...I quit speaking.

2:00pm - He' still talking...I'm contemplating cutting off my fingers and poking my own eyes out.

3:00pm - Still talking...I see two men playing frisbee, and I'm shocked at how short one of the men's shorts really are. They are really short! I also wonder if they are gay because they are kind of skipping around the park as they throw the frisbee back and forth. Do they see us? Do I look as bored as I feel? I kind of want to get up and play with them. They are having way more fun than I am. I'm no good at frisbee though...so I wonder if they would be annoyed at me if I played with them.

4:00pm - I think he's still talking...I've lost my soul at this point so I'm numb to the world and to my surroundings. I might have even begun drooling. Does he not see that I HATE this one sided conversation and that he's not convincing me of anything?

4:30pm - We play frisbee...maybe he did get that I wasn't into what he was talking about. This is the happiest I've been all day (other than when I woke up and Kyle had made me coffee and muffins...rhubarb and white chocolate). Satan is far, far away from me and he's not talking about things that I can't agree with at all. I don't even care that I'm throwing the dumb disc all over the park and that I've begun sweating like a man...my soul is slowly returning through the repetitive motion of catching and throwing...just so long as he doesn't speak...

6:00pm - I get stung by a wasp...I fall to the ground and roll around feeling sorry for myself not only for getting stung, but for being on this dumb date at all. He stands there watching...I don't think he has any Scriptures for this situation. We head for a restaurant.

6:10pm - Satan complains about how expensive everything is and makes me feel like crap for getting anything at all. My hand is starting to get swollen and red. It still really hurts.

6:30pm - He starts talking again. I've had it and so I argue with him. He doesn't listen and makes it seem like I don't know what I'm talking about at all.

7:00pm - He states that he thinks it's a sin that a younger man marries an older woman because Adam was created before Eve. My hand continues to swell from the wasp sting.

7:30pm - I get extremely mad and tell him that he doesn't listen to me, and that I think he thinks that I'm unintelligent, and have nothing valuable to add to the conversation, and that he totally and completely invalidates me. I continue to tell him that I have also studied the Bible and have taken a lot of time and care to know and understand the things within it, and that he makes it seem like I know absolutely nothing at all. He apologizes.

9:00pm - He drives me back to Kyle's and tells me that he had a great time and that it was really fun hanging out with me. I absent-mindedly nod, then run upstairs.

That was about it. I understand that I have left out a number of the details and have condensed 9 of the worst hours of my life into a few vague sentences, but to be honest, I don't really remember much. I have blanked them from my memory. All I really remember are his two-tone blue clothes and his constantly moving mouth. Thank the Lord for normal men.

And about the wasp sting...my hand swelled to unnatural sizes and I lost my knuckles and finger tendons in the fat of my allergy. I blame the blind date.